1992

I bumped into the memory man

the other day—

(we’ve been crossing paths often

lately)—

and I listened to small things

which gave me small reactions.

But when he arched his eyebrows

as if asking was I ready?

I decided I wasn’t in about

one second,

and I left memory man

where I found him and

conveniently forgot where

that place happened to be.

The only thing is that

he knows how to find me.

He finds me every day.

And every day he asks the question

and every day I say, “No thanks.”

One of these days, I guess.

It will be one of these days.

Tomorrow

"and they all want the same thing
Not to lie under the earth
but to walk upon it
without crutches"

― Peter Weiss, The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade

Diary entry, April 17, 2004

I had a dream last night that I was visiting Joan.  It was night and I was in the bedroom, dialling Ryan’s number on my cell phone—I only had one digit to go when a strange man appeared in the doorway.  I tried to dial the last digit, but the guy took my phone.  Then and there I decided he wasn’t going to hurt me. 

So I started fighting him, shouting for Joan at the same time.  Somehow I got him into the kitchen.  As I struggled with him, I told Joan, who had shown up by now, “Hit him with something!”  And what does she pick up?  A short stack of Tupperware bowls.  “No, hit him with a pot,” I yelled.  I then grabbed a saucepan, and conked him on the head with it just hard enough to knock him out. 

Thus, we ended up being fine, but I couldn’t believe that in “helping” me Joan handed me some Tupperware.  She was offended by my annoyance, so afterwards I was trying to be nice about it, telling her, “Well, some Tupperware could a hurt a person."  But it still seemed incredibly stupid.  Especially since she’d just been standing there, doing nothing.

Shackled

The Dragon in the Elevator, Pt. 2

I am not well, I tell the dragon

Yes, he answers, I know

But last night I heard you

I heard you nearly speak the riddle

out loud

You stopped yourself

Why?

You are mistaken, I answer

I do not know the riddle

I am tired, and I am not well

I cannot be alone

I am scared and exhausted with the effort

of being awake

It feels like I have been awake forever

I dream of snow

of running in it

of hearing the crunch of my footsteps

on the ice

I dream of diving into the water

so deep

and not needing air

I wish I had never seen it

never heard of it

never known it

I wish I could only remember it

as I ran in the snow

All very poetic, the dragon says

but you told me once

that wishing will not make it so

will you not join us here?

Not even the butterflies are

afraid

Why this turn, I ask him

You were the one to bring

tears to my eyes so that I

would be blind

Oh, yes, the dragon replies,

I shielded you

But then the closet nearly

burned down with you

in it

If you are ready to speak

the riddle

we are waiting

we are in no hurry

but I am not mistaken

you know the words

you deny them, I no longer deny you

You act as if I am the barrier, I argue

it is not me

it is the others

Ah, the others, the dragon smiles

we take our orders from you

we serve you, we love you,

we scold you

but we do not control you

I do not know the riddle, I insist

perhaps this is a trick

there is no riddle

Is this what you must believe, the

dragon sighs

I never told you so

the riddle has been scratching at you for years now

no wonder you are tired

I am not well, I repeat

I want none of your riddles

I only want peace

There is the problem, my child

there will be no peace until

you speak the words

you knew this long ago

Diary entry, November 20, 1983

Dear Diary,

Today I threw up.  Exciting, huh?  Mom and Steve went to Dr. Frank together tonight.  Steve and Mom fought later.  I get scared when they fight because I don’t want Mom to go back to the hospital.  I talked to Kris.  I had a horrible headache tonight, but it went away.  Joan went to the doctor’s tonight.  Joan gave me a look to leave, but I’m hiding in the living room.  I’m still not finding anything out, except Mom says it might be stress.

Nightmares

Because everything must be in code.