The Bride

Notebook, circa 1990s

I slipped inside of the

oily puddle today.

Even though I knew it

was there.

The twig you threw was good

enough to save

itself, barely.

Still, it was the strangest thing.

While I was waiting,

suddenly I had this tree.

Not much moves me,

but I had to move for the roots.

They were so big.

It burned inside, I know it.

The petrol had to burn the

branches inside,

had to leave scars that

never turn white.

The explosion would have

horrified you,

had you waited to see.

Oil does that—

it explodes.

And then there is nothing left.

Nothing.

Not even a twig.

Reconstruction

I had seen birth and death,
But had thought they were different; this Birth was
Hard and bitter agony for us, like Death, our death.

                                           --T.S. Eliot, The Journey of the Magi

The Hate List, 2007

42.  How you said I couldn’t have a dog, and if I did, I couldn’t have a little dog.

43.  How you said when the cats passed, I probably couldn’t have any more.

Diary entry, January 7, 1983

Dear Diary,

Today I got out of school at 10:30 am.  We were going to have a family conference with my mom’s doctor.  He talked soft, and I couldn’t hear him when he asked a question.  Finally Mom told him I have a slight hearing problem.  He talked louder to me after that.  I don’t know why they talked so quiet, though.  I guess I never will. That’s life!

Art Therapy/Dracula's Castle, 2005

1

Draft letter, 1992

1    I understand you might be worried about me, therefore I felt compelled to write to you.

.       I am dealing with very painful and serious issues.  I am not ready to talk to you about these issues—if and when I am, I will contact you—I don’t know when—meanwhile, I need from you to give me time and space.  Meaning do not call or write me, Ryan, or other family members.  No other family member knows anything.

I understand that this will be difficult for you and I encourage you to see a counsellor.

If there is an emergency or anything you need to know about me, you will hear about it.

I loved you more than snow on my birthdays in December.