The Locked Door

Madness, March 22, 1990

Sometimes I am lost,

wandering around my

mind.

And the madness that

touches me,

touches you,

too.

It beats me inside,

it makes me swallow

what I should

release—

but it beats me inside,

I have to swallow

or I will

choke.

It follows me,

but it can run so

much faster.

It can run so much

faster...

School essay, January 10, 1989

From When I Was Twelve

With such a beautiful family history, it’s not surprising I was afraid of turning out mentally scarred for life.  I was so nervous about it that I stopped seeing a psychologist and wouldn’t talk to my mom about any of her support groups or anything.  I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.  Now I know I was just scared of going through what my mom did, but I know I never will.  I mean, parts of it weren’t so swell, but I’d still say I had a better than average childhood.

Secrets

Diary entry, February 6, 1983

Dear Diary,

You can’t believe how relieved I am because I didn’t have to go to church today!

Notebook, 1992

Dear me—

Hi there.  I won’t ask how you’re doing because I know, so...I guess you’re doing all right, you’re still smiling sometimes, although yesterday you were pretty angry over a dumb dominoes game.  I know, it wasn’t the dominoes game that made you mad.  I know it upset you when Ryan wouldn’t leave you alone, why won’t he leave me alone when I ask him to?  Anyway, you’re spinning and sinking again, I can tell, which doesn’t make you very happy although you know why.  I know you’re just sick of all this crap, you wish it could be over and you wish you could make your past vanish, or at least not matter, but you can’t.  Just accept it.  Yeah, I know, it’s hard to accept.  You’re getting that scared despairing desperate fear again in your chest, it had left you alone for a few weeks but it’s back again, like it or not.  The world’s not going to disappear any time soon.

Diary entry, May 25, 2004

It’s a good thing I’m on the Lexapro or else I don’t think I’d survive this phase of my alleged recovery.  But I really have come too far to go back.  For the second time in my life I've passed the proverbial point of no return.