Diary entry, April 29, 2004

No bad dreams last night, but I’m feeling anxious today.  I’m glad it’s Thursday and I get to talk to Carrie.

I had an unpleasant conversation with Ella last night about medication.  Certainly I’m defensive on the subject, and I know her general attitude toward it, so I should probably just avoid the subject with her.  She wasn’t mean or anything—she just told me two stories of women she knew who were on Prozak, and how fake and annoyingly happy they seemed.  Not that I'm on Prozak, but still.

She’s a great friend to me, but sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to who understood this stuff.  It can feel very lonely at times.  

Lost

There is no point asserting and reasserting what the heart cannot believe.

--Aleksander Isayevich Solzhenitsyn

Henry Street, early 1990s

I have considered you as

I watch the creeping

mould overtake the

fading paint on

the walls.

As the dampness of an

unventilated room drowns

each molecule of

air.

And I wonder which certainty

chased conviction away.

But whatever took me down the

other road—

it becomes simply another irrelevant,

better left unknown.

And just when I thought I had made

myself old over wishing for

something to whisper

like a kind stranger into

my ear,

            I understand, and I do not

            blame you

I find myself catching the edge of

every movement of

atmosphere even the leaves

have forgotten.

Listening,

waiting.

But you will not send me any dreams tonight,

when there are already so few left believing.

So it is here any chance for 

you to find me 

again.

It is here.

Just me and the mould,

listening,

waiting...

Release

You always feel when you look it straight in the eye that you could have put more into it, could have let yourself go and dug harder.

--Emily Carr

Letter from Jane Doe, 1987

I'm so glad I met you + I'm so glad you are a fellow Daphne Du Maurier fan!

Your ideas + your energy + your honesty are precious gifts -- please keep sharing them in your writing and in your personal contacts.  I hope you consider sharing your gifts with our readers, but if not, I hope you keep in touch.

I can sense you've had a lot of pain + struggle in your life, but that you've emerged full of life and hope.  If you ever just want to talk about the meaning of life + God, etc., just give me a call.

It was a great afternoon -- a pleasant surprise.

Peace + all good things.

Crooked doodles

Diary entry, April 25, 2014

I don’t really get what’s going on.  This is all pretty weird.  I wish I could just settle on being crazy.  It’s my insistence on sanity that’s the problem.  Woo hoo, who cares what the truth is, because look at me, I’m Princess Leia!  Sadly, I just can’t pull it off.  So I’m stuck in half-crazy, half-sane limbo land where I’m not sure which part of what I say is nuts and which isn’t, if any of it is either.  If that makes sense.  Which I don’t think it does.

Great.  Here comes the headache again.  I’m tired of being me, whichever me I’m being.  All of them, really.