Secrets

The Day After

            It was not the water I feared but the coming

                                                down

                          the expelling of the clouds from my lungs

            I was not alone but I could feel the earth tearing

                                                it was torment it was joy

                                    it was for one morning dream to know

                                                I would not be           

broken

           

            Until full of torture full of faith I woke up in another place

                                    The coming back

                        the coming

down

                                                           

                        back here where all one can do is breathe

           

air

            believe in me   because it is not the water I fear

           

                        to cast a net

            to hide in a shadow

                        to be that misleading and without any meaning

                                                            when I am this full of

             

            impossibilities inside

                        and as I lay here alone I would not complain

                                    if I could just resurrect

                                                what we killed to survive

                       

            In a bold moment

            I said it had been worth it

            but knew you did not believe me       and neither did I

                        my black and blue hope you were hearing     

                                    to come

                                                to fight

                       

I am so tired of death

            please

                                   let it just once be life

Searching

Notes from meeting with Ruth, February 11, 2004

EMDR
calls up familiarity & then begins to desensitize & reprocess it

-abuse background
-paralyzed by anxiety

abdominal breathing - count to 5 - 7 (breathe in)
make sure abdomen rising
then hold 7
10 times
helps to relax

reassure myself that I'm safe & okay

not really about the book
working on plan to get to a better place

Awake

Letter from Steve, 1989

I got the two greatest turtlenecks for my birthday from our loving, charitable father.  (GAG!  Charitable toward charities, maybe!)  Anyway, the turtlenecks are really great, and I just KNOW that you're going to want to borrow my "time warp" variety turtleneck - it's striped red and black (narrow), and it's too cool looking to be true.  But it is, and I'm not complaining.

Dad's getting whacked out and I'm worried, but he's a big boy now, so I guess we'll have to let go of him.  He almost started getting all gross and nostalgic, but I managed to curb him well by simply changing the subject.  He's a sucker for that one.  Overall, I had a really good time, I guess.  He still tips like shit, though!

The Future, Unfinished -- early 1990s