Letter from Steve, 1990

I never got a chance to finish reading the letter you sent me, but I think I got the general overall idea from the first couple paragraphs.  I can appreciate the fact that you worry about me - it really doesn't bother me that much, because I guess I expect it.  I have been kind of wild, but I think I'm starting to burn out a bit now.  My brain is feeling really spacey from doing a lot of harmful things to do it.  And I like being on top of things, so I'm going to have to lay off for a little bit.  Don't worry - I'll be all right.  I really will.  I guess I just have to find out certain things for myself - the school of hard knocks never goes out of session for some of us.

It was really good seeing you.  I know I look burned out, but you look really healthy.  Have you gained a little weight?  Not that you're fat, but you look more full - I don't know, even that sounds bad.  You know what I mean.  

Reckoning, 1993

Notebook, 1994

First day of school, but I didn't have any classes. Tomorrow is my first day.

It's the peace, girl,
it is the stretching of boundaries of
spatial time.
        It is the nightmare you expected
        and it will save your life.

The Soul Still Sings, 2005

Reality

She slips and she slips and 
she slips again.
She slips up the stairway,
down the elevator,
she brings the keys with her, because
she knows where they will
release her.

But she isn't singing love songs
anymore.

She is waiting for you, you know.
She waits with the patience of a
hungry child.
She knows where those keys
are going, she knows
how to turn them.
But the lock is in an
ocean with a name no one
can remember, a name someone
forgot to give.
Without a name an ocean is
nothing more than an endless pool 
staring up at the sky.
Nothing more than water we cannot
even drink.

She is not singing love songs
anymore.
You should hear her, you know,
you should hear her silence your      
half of her whole. 
This is not her world--
still starving inside for you,
she waits only to slip on home.

Art therapy, 1994

Dream Journal, January, 2005

In the dream I returned to high school and I had to bring my mom for some reason.  I found this fairly embarrassing for obvious reasons but I coped with it.  We were in my algebra class with my old teacher, who was being really nice to me.  I was actually having fun in the class, thinking maybe I would be able to catch up (I knew I would fail unless I made up the work), when the class ended and my mom was gone.

I was still sitting in the room at a desk right in front of the doorway, with my back to the door.  I was working on the computer (apparently planning a trip to Spain and worrying that it would rain as it the forecast predicted it) when Derek, a friend from high school, shouted that someone had a gun.  I realized that I was a sitting target where I was and so I ran into another room where a lot of people had gone, screaming.  Along the way I saw the guy with a gun.  He was from another high school, a football player.  Everyone took off again and for some reason I couldn't understand I went into yet another room instead of running out of the building.  There was a telephone there (rotary, of course) but when I dialed 911 they put me on hold.  The guy came into the room but I managed to escape with some others.

Everyone got ahead of me and ran off in a direction they knew he wouldn't think to follow.  I was trying to keep up but suddenly I couldn't run at all--it was massive effort just to lift my feet.  The guy with the gun came outside with Derek and a girl and they were all laughing together, like they were having fun killing people and scaring us.  I climbed a brick wall and tried to hide in a really large drainage ditch—dropping my wallet & computer along the way—but they’d seen me.  As I was climbing the girl took the gun and shot me in the foot.  While I was crouching in the ditch she shot at me again and just missed my stomach.  I would have died had that bullet been even half an inch closer.  Finally I managed to jump out of the gutter and escape by running through a cemetery, where I had to avoid big holes dug into the ground.  

Once out of the cemetery I ran through side streets, even through people’s houses; I was following signs that said “TO LILY ROAD” because I knew Lily Road would get me home.  But then suddenly there the girl was with me on Lily Road, walking alongside me.  She seemed very queer and scary, but she wasn't holding the gun on me although I knew she was still dangerous.  I was just trying to pacify her with small talk.  We made it to my house, where I managed to go down to the basement without her.  People were home but no one in the house was helping me.  I grabbed the phone in the basement bedroom and called the police, but the police wouldn't let me tell them what was going on.  They just kept blathering on about how they knew the shooting had taken place and they were looking for the suspect, while I was trying to get a word in edgewise to tell them one of the suspects was in my house!  

Then suddenly the girl was standing in the doorway to the basement bedroom. She accused me of calling the police.  I shook my head and tried to say things into the phone that made it sound like I was just having some random phone call.  The girl obviously didn't believe me.  This is when she said in a very somber tone, “Think of all the lives you’re going to ruin.”    

Suddenly the police officer was sitting on the couch next to me and I knew I was finally safe.  However, my credit card had been stolen and so had my computer.