Journal, September 2006

Bits of stories that seep through the cracks of the doors - bits of stories I cannot in this reality ignore - will be lost forever - will be another lesson learned

Bits of stories do you see how I wanted to love them - why I now must betray them - like lava flow that rolls into the sea - this eruption must wash over me

Where does reality draw the line - fingernails against the skin - tells me which reality I am in...

The end of days

All of the followers had gone, sucked up into the girl’s funnel cloud and carried off to god knows where.  What remained lay on the ground, broken.  The restaurant would not be serving again.

I was wondering with a pang of regret where Marietta had gone when a dishevelled figure with a lopsided purple hairdo and an old face limped over to me.  The cruelty in her expression had now become mingled with resentment.  We just stood and looked at each other for a while, until she said, “You think you have won.  But the spell is broken for you, too.”

“I know,” I answered.  “But at least I can live with myself.”

“We’ll see about that,” she replied.  She then disappeared, rather against her will, I thought, into a cloud of foul-smelling smoke.

Waking up

They say riddles are clues

but clues in a fortress

If only the dragon would let me pass

Ah little girl, he says

you must solve the first riddle

to prove you are ready

I ask him what the first riddle is

and he laughs

He says that is why I am not ready

I cannot even hear the riddle

He says I know the words

He says no one stops my ears

but me

He says the riddle is my first clue

That I will hear it when I am ready

I say this is another trick

another stall

But he says no

he is the master of ceremonies only

I am in charge

I will know the riddle when I say it out loud

The Burden (excerpt), 1989

Every time I saw him, I questioned my judgment of him.  Could this tall, smiling, good-looking man be worthy of such negative feelings on my part?  He always seemed to be happy, and undoubtedly had some corny joke to tell.  Any friend of mine who met him never had anything but good things to say about him.  Of course, no one was ever around to witness this pleasant man become a resentful, whining, almost vengeful creature.  What had I done to be turned on in such a hateful manner?  I didn't think I had done anything to hurt him.  But he obviously decided that I was only 12 years old and I did not have the courage yet to tell him to leave me alone, he could take out on me the answer that racked him.  

The day after

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
--Desmond Tutu
(photo by C. Hornby)

The loss of invisibility

But the peace which comes my love

there is no lock on the door

And now you can shut out nothing

let alone the memory of

the war

Some kind of peace now

one hell of a peace now

All bruised and tattered and sore

as long as it hurts less than the no-peace

you were forever crashing through

before

Dream Journal, June 12, 2005

Last week I had a dream that I witnessed my family murder someone—my dad and my oldest brother grabbed some guy in a shopping mall and stabbed him in the stomach.  Because I was with them I had the idea that I was an accomplice so we took off for the mountains, where I was desperately trying to figure out how to get us out of trouble.  I was almost certain that I would go to prison (if only because I’d helped them escape), which scared me, but then I thought I deserved it.  I actually became sort of upset when later in the dream I got the idea that I wouldn't go to prison after all.

Anyway, in the mountains it no longer seemed like me but a movie I was watching.  The family looked and acted like a bunch of gross hillbillies.  At one point the girl propositioned her oldest brother, who eagerly took her up on the offer.  Then the younger brother, who was a big dumb brute, got violent with the older brother, who to save himself from being choked stabbed the younger brother in the neck.  Very yucky.  The only good part of it was that it somehow felt like the family wouldn't get away with what they’d done.