The life within

Whisper it to me while no one is listening

tell me I am a fool

tell me I am not

tell me something that makes sense

and then prove it

The glass darkly

And when I choose to come here again                                                                     

will it snow how it did in my dreams

                        will I be

a story worth telling

                                    because the sadness—

it crackles in the night

           

for you           

the mistake worth regretting

                                                the faraway voice        filled with belonging

The path not taken

            “Alturis told me about his brother," Megan said. "How you shot him during a raid."

            Andy nodded a little.

            “Did you know what was going on?”

            “Not until the Bergens.  Even then we didn't know it was him until someone tipped us off that what happened wasn't some random thing.  But I thought he’d come after me—I never thought in a million years that he’d go after you.”

            “Well, he didn't really.  He was just confused.  He said good henchmen were hard to find.”

            Andy managed a grim smile.  “I guess so.”

            “It’s not like you can advertise for them.”

“No.”

“But are you going to be all right about the Bergens?  Because it wasn't your fault.”

Andy’s smile faded.

“Don’t let it ruin your life,” she told him.  “They wouldn't have wanted that.”

“Yeah,” Andy said.  His eyes darted around the room.  “Anyway, don’t worry about me.  You just worry about yourself.”  He paused.  “I guess you’ll sell the house.”

            “Yeah, but it was time, anyway.  Hopefully it won’t take too long.  A friend of mine who’s an agent says that everything that happened will only make it more attractive to potential buyers.  I guess there are people out there who like houses with a back story.”

            “People are strange,” Andy said, and rolled his eyes.   For a brief moment Megan thought of Alturis, smiling at her as he talked about how Andy stood on her street corner at night.  But Andy, looking in the opposite direction and fiddling with his car keys, did not notice the change in her facial expression.  “So will you stay in town, though?”

            “Well...I have a friend who’s a principal in Madison and they just had a teacher suddenly retire due to illness, so she’s offered me the job.  I think I might take it.”

            “Really?”

            “That’s right.  Moving forward—it’s the only way.”

            “Yeah,” Andy said, grinning at her reference.  “Well, good for you.  I hope it all works out.”

            “Me, too.”

            In the silence that followed Megan wondered again about the cat who Andy had released all of those years ago.  She wondered if he even remembered it now, or if he had moved forward from all of those memories, too.  “So, anyway,” Andy said, “I just wanted to stop by, because I’ll be heading off to Chicago tomorrow.”

            “ Does that you mean you've made a decision about the FBI?”

            “I talked to my boss when he was here.  We have everything worked out.”

            “That’s great,” Megan said.  She smiled at him.  “Good luck with everything.”

            “Thanks.  And, Meg—it was good to see you again.”

            “You, too.”

            After a brief hesitation Andy turned toward the door.  Before he reached it, he said to the wall, “So I guess you’re going to hate me forever, huh?”

            “Oh, no.  Not at all.”

            “You sure?”

            “I'm sure.”

            “You’ll let me know if you ever need something?”

            “You can be sure of it.”

            “Good,” he said.  And without daring to meet her eyes, he let himself out of the hotel room.

Explosions in time

This sea                                 filled with raging suspicions

polluted by the debris         of 1000 amazing inventions

not one in which I could believe

were you caught

in the fire storm of a million

conversations

or lost

in a dying admission

because just one thing I can show

and that is I am here                          

without you                         

alone

                

Waiting

The bus began to pull away.  Ignoring the kids throwing paper airplanes around him, Jonah pressed his face against the glass.  As his mother waved at him he gripped the edge of the windowpane, willing himself not to cry.  Someday, he told himself.  Someday I will never have to do anything I don’t want to ever again.

Fury

        when I meant to love you       

their screams made me leave you

heavy as warheads

this fear almost fatal

Truce

May 27, 2014

I am tired.

May 29, 2014

Had a funny dream last night.  I was outside somewhere with Matt and the kids when I realized there were four kids with us: 2 girls, 2 boys.  I felt confused, like I couldn't make sense of it.  So I asked Matt how many kids we had and he said three.  I then asked him their names and he told me.  I realized the one little girl I’d been talking to wasn't actually one of our children.  She was dark-haired, probably around 8, and she seemed unhappy.  I was trying to be nice to her and I did feel sorry for her, but her presence freaked me out.  It was as if she were a ghost—no one else appeared to notice her.  I woke up shortly thereafter and nearly woke Matt up, I was so spooked.  I was able to go back to sleep, though.  I can’t remember at all what the little girl and I were discussing.