The Dance

This is my heart in denial                                                       

the scratching of the diamond

against the vinyl

I was young once it seems

and I spun your etched

reflection inside

of me

But reality is the toe breaker

is the dance

is the false teeth sitting

innocent in the glass

Since we tripped across

the recorded line

warped by finality one last time

let’s tango out the side door

let’s slam against the back of

agony once more

because reality doesn’t give a damn if

it makes you cry

we knocked the glass over and so

we must say goodbye

Yet if I could remember how

to listen once more

I would play your parting

heartache and store it in

the vaults of my head

oh you know I would and

the silence in your captured smile

would light up my synaptic

network for years and

for miles

if only I could sing the

words again

Yes this is my heart in denial

the scratching of the diamond

against the vinyl

I was young once it seems

I am old with your

memory carved into me

            Because it is hard to forget when there

            is broken glass on the ground

            hard to ignore the thunder

            in the emptiness of sound

Revealed

You think you know.  You can never know.  You will never know anything other than a name that means nothing to you.  You are trapped in the network.  The hallway has no exit.  The bicycle has no wheels.  If you step outside of the red lines there is nothing to stand on.  You will fall.  You will fall, and you will not even remember how to scream, but it won’t matter.  Because no one would hear you even if you did.  You are a story I sold for a million howls of laughter.  For a million screams of pleasure.  You are nothing.  You were just one more born to serve a purpose, and now you are used up.  No wonder you question living.  You know there is no purpose left for you.  I tore you into tiny pieces and gave bits to any who asked.  I did this because you are useless.  No one cared then, and no one cares now.  You are a piece of lint to be flicked away, blown into nowhere.

Nice try, but it's over.  Over.

The wall

Driftwood keeps knocking in my head
death toll for who I was
traitor with nowhere to hide
ceramic vase broken
where I stored something
and it is something
something loud, violent, and very much alive
tapped until the crack first appeared
encouraged, tapped a little more
and a little more and a little more
and smelled daylight
sent the crushing blow
Whoever thought a neglected child
could hit so hard.

This is not the person I wanted to be
this is not where I wanted to live
these are not the memories I wanted
to decorate my hallway with.

The unexpected

             “Oh my god,” a voice said behind me.  “You have a German shepherd!”

            I turned around.  A head belonging to a youngish woman I had never met was beaming at me from the other side of the fence.  She had her brown hair pulled back into a pony tail, and sported baby doll bangs, the kind you might see on a toddler girl.  “I love German shepherds!” she told me.  She reached over the fence and snapped her fingers.  “Here, puppy, puppy,” she cooed.  “Come give me a kiss!”

“No, don’t,” I barked, but before I could finish my dire warning Max bounded over and obligingly began licking her hand as if it were made of ice cream.  “Okaaaay,” I said, bemused, but the woman laughed delightedly.  “He knows I admire him,” she said.  “He can tell I’m genuine.”

            “Great.  But you are...?”

            “Oh, sorry!  I’m Angie, Suzy’s cousin.  You’re Matt, right?”

            “Right.”

            “I’m sorry for bothering you—Suzy said I should stay out of your way.  But I heard your dog and just had to see for myself.”

            “Stay out of my way,” I repeated.  “Why?  Do I bite?”

            “No!  She just said you work from home and you don’t like to be interrupted, that’s all.  But I keep interrupting you, don’t I?  Sorry!  I’m going now!”Angie, Suzy’s cousin, told me, and just as randomly as she appeared, she disappeared back behind the fence.  Max whimpered .  “Some guard dog you are,” I said to him.  “She could have been a stalker for all you know.”

The final solution

The defense has become the obstacle
I cannot give it up

it is giving me up
it is waving goodbye
it has become boring
please please please
I look out of the bus window and I see
houses and a golf course
not ready
keeps rattling at the gate
let me kiss you goodbye

just wait
just wait
just not ready yet

The defense has become the obstacle
there is no turning back.

Through the glass darkly

I've been thinking about you today - 

I've been wondering about you today.

You were like a sewing needle in the jugular

but I missed you today.

I Fly in the Clouds

This one last time                    come along with me                you run so slow I lost you centuries ago                     now is not where you said you would be               leaving me alone and out of breath                    this breakdown in the making                        where are you love      where are you sleeping            I am awake I am all aware      that I am here and you are there                         you do not belong to me         you do not belong to me

Whose truth will be accepted             as war rages against my memories                  I cannot say for certain what I expected          or even what I thought I believed      but I am jumping off the cliff into this pillow of air              while you are a voice warning me from the canyon floor                   because this is where you disappear               and where I wish for something more

for you to send a message please        to shoot me so far and so wide           how do I survive now love     how do I feel alive          when you call to me from an exploding star               when you sing to me from the briny deep                  how am I supposed to hold onto you      when I have nothing here I am allowed to keep                    

Because he was a vision in snow       

the carrier of my fears             he infected you with my reality          he melted you with my tears               he held out his hand as I looked for you             he was the last of my projections            this hologram I could not see through     the carrier of your rejection    

So I left you near the valley stream                I left you on the greenest hill              I left you in the hardest rain               I left you standing warm and still                   I left you there in front of me             thinking I had been too kind                 the guardian of all my dreams                        a slow motion horror to unwind         now this torn frame is the only clue     of what I can never again find                     what does forgiveness have to do with me    when I am the one you left behind                      

You were a picture in a book                    nestled between a cranny and a nook             where I could close my eyes and see       but the library locked its doors        and I am prostrate on the floor                       you do not belong to me               you do not belong to me