Hindsight

“Who’s going to give the eulogy?”

Looking alarmed, their father said, “Not me.”  Jack turned to Jonah. “Then I guess it’s you.”

“Me!  Why me?”

“You were her favorite.”

As Jonah’s eyes widened in disbelief, Jack told him, “I couldn’t have a five minute conversation with her that didn’t begin and end with you.”

“She talked about you all of the time to me.”

“Don’t be selfish.  I’d be terrible at it.”

“You give seminars!”

“That’s different.”

“Boys,” their father interrupted, “that’s enough.  Jonah, you do it.  She would have liked that.”

“Why?”

“Well, you were the one who got to go to camp every year, weren’t you?” Jack snapped.  “I asked and asked but she said we could only afford to send one, and she always picked you.  She wouldn’t even alternate, you know, one summer for you and one for me.”

Trapped and miserable, Jonah said, “I hated camp.”

“A fine way to be grateful now that our mother is dead,” Jack shouted, and stormed out of the room. 

Tainted

You cannot keep what you 

forever have to

hide

Forgiveness comes cheaply outside

Here I stand within a million

miles of prairie grass

The storm is rolling in and I

am bankrupt once again

The Forest and the Trees

On Saturday morning she slipped into unconsciousness.   “It shouldn’t be long now,” the nurse told them.  Jonah's father cleared his throat.  “Need some air,” he said, and slipped out of the little curtained area.  Jack also drifted off, not offering a reason why.  The nurse gave Jonah a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.  "I'll check in soon," she said, and left him alone with his mother.

Jonah moved his chair closer to his mother's bed.  Her mouth hung open, and her face had a strange, vacant look to it.  He laid his hand on her arm and waited.  

A little while later his father pulled the curtain back.  "Where's Jackie?" he asked.

"I don't know."

His father shuffled over to the chair on the other side of the bed.  As he lowered himself into it Jonah saw the tears streaming down his father's face.  "Dad," he began, but his father waved him off.  "It's all right," he said softly.  "I always knew I would lose her someday.   I just thought someday was so much further away."  

Memory

Kiss the trees for me, lovely.

I am longing,

I am so afraid.

Cut Off

“This isn’t very much fun,” his mother told him.  When she tried to smile a teardrop rolled down her cheek.  “But that’s okay.  That’s okay.”  She closed her eyes again.  “Although I’d hoped I would die in the summer.  That would have been so much more pleasant for everybody.  Make sure you dress nice and warm for the funeral.”

“…Okay.”

“Good.  I don’t want you to catch cold.”

Jonah leaned forward, seized her hand.  “I love you, Mom.”

“Of course you do, dear.”  She gave his hand a weak squeeze and then released it.  “Now go see where your father is.  We don’t want him sneaking another cup of coffee, or he’ll be in the hospital next.  You might be grown up, but I don’t want to orphan you boys all together.”

Cold

“I suppose someone has to get these things,” his mother told him.  “Statistically speaking, I mean.  My turn just came up.”

Unsure of whether or not she meant this as a joke, Jonah answered, “I guess.”

“So the way I see it, I’ve spared someone else the trouble.  And that’s a very nice thing of me to do.  Don’t you think?”

Jonah just stood there, helpless.

“But you know, you shouldn’t be sad,” she went on, now flipping through the coupon section.  “Because someday this will all just be a memory.  And how you remember it will last much longer than what happened.  So remember it in the way that will make you happiest.”

“Okay,” Jonah answered.  “I’m going to go make a cup of coffee.”

“You do that, dear.  Don’t let your father near the coffeemaker—it blows up every time he touches it.”  His mother picked up a pair of scissors and cut out a coupon for laundry detergent.  “Now that’s a good price,” he heard her murmuring to herself.  In the kitchen he was staring at the jar of coffee when his father came in.  “What’s going on?” he asked Jonah,  “Want some coffee?  I’ll make it.”

“That’s all right,” Jonah said, and unscrewed the lid.

The Enemy Within

silence 

a mocking foe

shrouded    in hope

I was waiting where did you go        

you cannot say and I     I just do not know

from way over there

you do not echo anywhere

I am so

lost

the deadliest place is no place new at all