Looking In

because your shame hid away

a slow game come to play again

the mercy you traded

bursting with color

and what you thought finished

only just started

Above the Earth

It was algebra class 

Mr. Wallace

I'd been gone
days 
weeks 
months.

Somehow I'd made it
back.

Suddenly a shout 

He has a gun.  

Running, screaming.

I saw him.

Found a phone. 

Dialed 911
they put me on hold.

He's here.

More running, screaming.

Outside, scattered

my feet too heavy
to lift.

He followed, not alone.
A girl.

Laughing.
Look at how frightened 
they are!

I climbed a brick wall

fell into a ditch.
The girl took the gun

shot me in the heavy
foot.

Aimed again

missed. 
Barely.

I crawled away.

Limped through a

cemetery full of

holes.

Went down side streets

through empty houses

until, at last 

almost home.

But like the boy
I was no longer alone.

The girl 

she walked beside me

her eyes queer and scary.

I tried to make small talk

the weather. 
She listened
said nothing.

Into my house.

No help.
Crept up the stairs

called the police 

She's here.

Nothing.

I am still holding the phone.

She is standing in the doorway.

Did you call the police?

Oh no.

Just talking to

a friend.

She doesn't believe me.

Why should she?

She comes over

whispers into my ear
Don't do it.

Think of all the lives 
you are about to

ruin.

Bubbling Under

I was staring at myself in the mirror when Bryan rapped on the locked bathroom door.  “Rache,” he said, “come out.  I promise all I want to do is to talk.”

From his shortening of my name I knew there would be no recriminations for what I had done.  Problem was, I hadn’t a clue where to go from here—or even who I was .  “I hit you,” I said softly.  “I really hit you.”

“It’s okay.  I’m fine.  Just come out, all right?”

The skinny girl in the mirror shook her head.  The hollowness in her eyes betrayed the hollowness of her heart.  “I’m sorry,” I told her.  “I honestly am.  But I’m done.”

Sounding suspicious, Bryan said, “What do you mean, you’re done?”

“Exactly what you think I mean,” I answered, and with that Bryan pounded on the door with significantly more force than he had before.  As my devoted nurse during those long weeks of recovery, he knew that in addition to a variety of sharp objects, my medicine cabinet housed a vast assortment of potent pain pills—pain pills that I now had unrestricted access to.  “Rachel,” he shouted, “open the fucking door!”  

I read once that people who decide to kill themselves are happy, because they finally know what it is they need to do.  But I didn’t feel happy at all.  Just terribly, terribly sad.  “I can’t do that,” I answered him.  "It’s too late.”  Looking at the bruise spreading across my knuckles, I whispered, “I’m finished with this fucked up life.”

This is My Only Truth

You can whistle but 

the monster

he does not hear

How to be helpful

not judgmental

She is afraid

She always

will be

The Beginning of the End

The house was empty

only went to check on it.

Everyone had disappeared

except for Grandpa

he'd just died.

The living room door was

open

the little dog ran away 
down to the basement.

Come back.

He did 

but not alone.

With her.

One of the missing 

Where have you been?

She didn’t know 

couldn't remember.

A strange air of contentment 

years lost to--what?

No answer.

I am not so brave anymore

Don't make me disappear

or sleep in the basement

let me be in the open 

I will never tell

I swear.

Disruption of the System

Jump out of my throat

I will catch 

me

I can’t I don’t want to

run away run away run away

Coward

yes

and why not

it’s the hair he doesn’t like

there is a story here

sometimes birds eat other

birds’ eggs

nothing to be done about it

I want to be here

let me be here

stop pulling at my

lungs

my chest

I need them

I need them all

Backwards

I know what hate is,

she said.

I know how to hate them

I know how to hate

myself.

So they sent her to someone who

could teach her to

forgive.

He had nothing to do with

God or Christs 
nailed to 
crosses.

It took a long time but
she learned
she learned not
to trust.  

Where is the forgiveness?
they asked.

God or the devil took it

away.

And now whatever you think

you’re going to

hear

is exactly what I am 
not

going to 

say.