How we hope
I waded through the throng of yuppies gathering for their evening cocktails
at Sophie's, the upscale bar where the elite of Milwaukee congregated after
hours. Supposedly the place had a ventilation system, but it was all I could do
not to choke on a toxic combination of cigarette smoke and expensive perfume. My
older sister Louise had worked here for years and yet I’d never gotten used to the
atmosphere, in any sense of the word. Even the contemporary sculptures on the
wall left me feeling vaguely nauseated if I looked at them for too long.
At the bar I wedged myself between two stools—there was never anywhere to
sit—and scanned the room. Louise was nowhere to be seen. Kip the bartender gave
me a friendly salute and passed me my usual Coke.
The youngish suit on the stool next to me glanced over. When his attention
lingered, I ignored him, hoping he’d take the hint. Like most successful young
men, he didn’t. “A little crowded,” he said, his words just audible over the
din around us.
I "hmmed" politely, wishing Louise would surface. At this rate I would
never get home in time for Final Jeopardy.
“Are you waiting for someone?”
“Yes,” I answered, refusing to make eye contact with him. I’d made it a
policy not to encourage any of the guys who hit on me at Sophie’s. Not only
were they usually too old, but they were also not even close to my type, and I
was only in town for six more weeks—thank god, because I couldn’t wait to get
out. When Louise had suggested I stay with her for the summer I’d been
grateful, but I was already done with the whole experience. Now I just wanted
to get back to my regular student life at Madison and forget this summer ever
happened.
The suit rotated toward me; I in turn rotated away from him. Undeterred, he
said, “I don't think I’ve seen you here before.”
“I guess you weren't looking,” I retorted, no longer even feigning
politeness. I spent almost as much time at Sophie’s as the help, and I didn’t
even get paid. One of these days someone was going to tell me to bus a table.
“Actually, I’ve only been here a few
times myself,” he said. “I’m new in town.”
“You must not be very happy about
that,” I quipped, despite myself. Not that Milwaukee was the absolute worst,
but very few people moved here on purpose, for reasons too numerous to mention.
Before the suit could respond to this, Louise materialized at my side.
“Angie!” she exclaimed, in that disapproving big sister tone of hers. “I’ve
been watching the door for you for ages.”
“I had to finish something for one of the engineers. Are you ready?”
“Carla called in sick so I’m working a double shift. I tried to call you but
no one answered.”
Sadly, I could not argue. The receptionists at the engineering firm where I
was working as a summer temp had an unspoken agreement that at 5:00 exactly our
duty to reception, if you will, ended. Our attitude was almost as bad as
the civil servants who I worked with at my student help job in Madison—if one
of them remained even thirty seconds after 4:30 p.m., it was a miracle.
I let out a heavy sigh. I’d slogged all the way here through the oppressive
humidity and in a pair of really uncomfortable pumps for nothing.
“I’ll get you something to eat,” Louise offered, but the thought of adding
yet another Sophie's hamburger to the dozens I had ingested during the past
month turned my stomach. One of the benefits of my sister’s long-term
employment was that I frequently got my dinner for free, but that boon had long
since lost its charm.
“No, thanks,” I told her. “I'll just go home.” I checked my watch again and scowled. I would
never make Final Jeopardy now.
Louise gave me a hug and melted back in the crowd.
In a huff I sucked down the rest of my Coke and waved my thanks to Kip
before I headed out into the muggy summer evening. On the sidewalk I breathed
the free air and then briefly checked for traffic. This wasn’t a busy part of
the city, at least not after quitting time. I stepped into the road in front of
Sophie’s, mentally reviewing the bus schedule
“You’re going to die!”
Startled, I whipped my head back to the sidewalk. A man who
looked vaguely familiar stood where I'd just been, a crazed expression on his face. A pain
pierced my forehead as I wondered why he was crying. When I saw the bus a
second too late I told myself, “No, I won’t,” and the world went black.
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what she feels is
no longer
yet the cells still remember
expanded in size but
not courage
wisdom another promise
time forgot to
keep
It was an
unsettling, they said
a
conspiracy of silence
to blunt
the sharp sticks that
pointed at
them
once before
time
we felt the
smallness
until we morphed into
strangers
and became what they hid
now we
watch from the rooftops
balance on
wires
impervious
to the buzz and
the hissing rain
scavengers,
they call us
a blot on
the landscape
their duality
lost as
they pick and they
pick
at the
bones of
existence
Just to the right of
Orion
the galaxy we lived and
died in
soon
I never told
you that I
soon
I never told you that I
cry out for you
yesterday is so
very sorry
and me here at
the end of
the story
with broken sky no good
for flying
I took a left at the belt of Orion
only to hear the jackdaws
lying
lying for me and for
you
I never told you that I
soon
could I have told you that I
soon
in this world we saw right through
could I have saved it
for you
.JPG)
I felt it
the galaxy moved and I
was seen
an echo lost in
the static
I am cold here
but leave me this sadness
it is the truest dream I’ve
ever known
